Can We Please Talk About Whatever This Is?!

Y'all...

Can we have a little meeting?

Because I have questions.

Serious questions.

And I feel like every woman over 40 has been keeping a secret.

When exactly were y'all planning on telling us about...

Perimenopause?

Because I distinctly remember health class explaining puberty.

They had diagrams.

Pamphlets.

Educational videos.

The awkward gym teacher.

The whole production.

The banana 🤦‍♀️ 🫠

But THIS?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

One day you're twenty-two.

Eating Taco Bell at midnight.

Sleeping like a baby.

Getting ready in twenty minutes.

The next thing you know...

You're standing in the kitchen at 2:14 in the morning wearing shorts, a tank top, one sock for some reason, fanning yourself with a paper plate while your husband is over there wrapped up in three blankets sleeping like he's hibernating for the winter.

HOW IS THAT FAIR?!

And what even IS a hot flash?

It's like your body suddenly decides,

"You know what this gal needs?"

"To feel like she's standing in the middle of the Sahara Desert."

Then...

Three minutes later...

You're freezing.

Now you're looking for a blanket.

Five minutes after that...

You're hot again.

I change the thermostat so many times in one night, my HVAC system probably thinks I'm unstable.

Then there's the memory.

Or...

Whatever's left of it.

I'll walk into a room with a purpose.

A mission.

A goal.

The second I get there...

Nothing.

Gone.

Lights are on.

Nobody's home.

I walk back to the kitchen...

"Oh yeah!"

Turn around.

Walk back into the room.

Gone again.

🤣🤣🤣

And don't even get me started on sleep.

Remember when we used to complain because somebody texted us at midnight?

Now?

I'm awake at midnight.

And 2:00.

And 3:17.

For absolutely no reason.

I've become best friends with the ceiling fan.

Some nights I know exactly how many blades it has.

Then there's the emotions.

One minute I'm laughing at a dog wearing sunglasses.

The next minute I'm crying because I saw a commercial where the cereal box was empty..

WHO EVEN AM I?!

And why did that paper towel commercial make me emotional?

Also...

Can we discuss the random aches and pains?

I didn't even do anything.

I slept.

Apparently wrong.

Now my neck has filed a formal complaint.

And don't tell me to "just exercise."

I sneezed yesterday and my knee popped.

Let's stay realistic.

🤣🤣🤣

And why...

WHY...

Do we all suddenly become fascinated by vitamins?

Ten years ago I was buying concert tickets.

Now I'm standing in the supplement aisle reading magnesium labels like I'm studying for the bar exam.

"Ohhhh...

This one helps you sleep..."

Into the cart it goes.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

The craziest part?

Nobody warned us.

Our moms just sat back and watched this happen like,

"She'll figure it out."

Excuse me?

A little heads-up would've been nice!

Maybe a welcome basket.

A handbook.

A support group.

A coupon for a cooling blanket.

Something.

Anything.

Instead, we're all out here sweating through our pajamas, forgetting why we walked into the laundry room, googling symptoms that somehow all lead back to...

"Yep... that's perimenopause."

Honestly...

I miss being seventeen.

My knees worked.

I could eat pizza after 8:00.

I slept through the night.

And I knew where I put my keys.

On the bright side...

We've also reached the age where we don't care much what people think.

We laugh louder.

We love deeper.

We've survived enough to know we'll survive this, too.

Even if we have to do it with a fan in one hand and a glass of ice water in the other. 🤣

So tell me...

What's the weirdest perimenopause symptom nobody warned you about?

And if you're in your twenties reading this...

Bless your little heart.

Your time is coming.

🤣☕💕